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Dan Gilbert’s Open Letter to Ilgauskas (Satire)

Dear Cleveland, All of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former center, who we drafted in 1996 out of a region you probably never heard of, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced after we traded him to the lowly Washington Wizards in February and waited for over 30 days for him to become eligible so we could re-sign him to a lowball offer.

Now, despite a several-day, narcissistic, self-promotional buildup culminating with a national TV special of our former King’s “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment, the self-proclaimed “Big Z” is taking his act to South Beach as well.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership, team, and the rest of the hard-working, overpaid, overrated bums here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you, because frankly, we can’t. It’s hard to gain trust when you stink.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than dismal future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘BIG Z’ WINS ONE.”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness, piggybacking, and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they can win a title but NOT have to play here to get one.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our own drafted “Big Z” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “Big Z” will be taking the “curse” and his slow-footed post moves, lack of defense, and the speed of a paper clip with him down South. And until he does “right” by Cleveland, Ohio, and Lithuania, Ilgauskas (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day…

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge, and the bums that disappear in the playoffs on our remaining roster will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue…

Sincerely pissed off

Dan Gilbert
Cleveland Cavaliers

Stephen D. Riley appears courtesy the AFRO-American Newspapers and afro.com

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July 13, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Draft is Dead, And the Miami Heat Killed It | The Afro-American Newspapers | Your Community. Your History. Your News.

 

 

 

 

 

The Draft is Dead, And the Miami Heat Killed It | The Afro-American Newspapers | Your Community. Your History. Your News.

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July 12, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How the West Was Won

 

Artest will be speaking the Triangle offense to Kobe instead of parting words next season

Artest will be speaking the Triangle offense to Kobe instead of parting words next season

 

I guess it’s over. Wrap it up. Place your bets. Just go ahead and slate the Los Angeles Lakers in for a spot in next year’s Finals.

I wouldn’t blame you. With news coming out of Los Angeles today on an agreement between the Lakers and Lamar Odom, barring injury, the Lakers will have no choice but to repeat as Western Conference Champions for a third straight year.

If it was already a nation of Laker Haters, then President Obama is going to have to do something about border control because the resigning of Odom and the addition of Artest is going to mean several more anti-L.Aians jumping the fence, standing in line to kick rocks at the purple and gold.

Even though former outcast turned superstar Trevor Ariza split title town and agreed to join forces with the Houston Rockets, the Lakers didn’t sweat it, they just went ahead and added a better piece to their puzzle in Artest.

While Artest may not be the up-and-coming ultra-athletic defender that Ariza is, he’s still one of the premier locksmiths in the league with a better all around offensive game.

The summer of 2010 is supposed to be the Y2K of the NBA. The year when systems go haywire, fantasy leagues turn upside down, and more money gets dished out than a Vegas upset payout.

But the summer of 2009 is becoming more and more exciting by the week.

Jefferson moved to San Antonio, Shaq joined forces with LeBron and Carter went back home to Florida.

You could argue that each of the names on that list is probably a bigger headliner than Artest’s or Odom’s is right now, but none of which was a bigger transaction than the addition of the former NBA Defensive Player of the Year or the resigning of the most versatile 6-10 forward in the league.

Artest, Bryant, Gasol, Odom and Bynum is more size, skill, and length than what any competitor in the West or the East has to offer right now.

And with Odom renewing his vows to team, Los Angeles may take a run at the 72 mark that Jordan’s Bulls put up back in 95.

 

Relax Kobe, Odom's coming back after all

Relax Kobe, Odom's coming back after all

No joke, I can really see a possible run at the NBA record for the Lakers. They finished last year at 65 wins without even trying and does anybody remember the last time some media labeled defensive nut joined forces with the best player in basketball?

Yup, the year was 95, Clinton had the country on cruise control, music was actually likeable and Dennis Rodman was running the court with good ole 23 to a tune of 72-10.

No wonder Phil Jackson announced his plans to return for next season.

I mean after all, the Zen Master was controlling the reigns for the Bulls that season and Artest’s announcement probably made coaching away games next year appear less of a daunting task for the aging Hall of Famer before he even got word of Odom’s resigning.

Dwayne Wade and LeBron James have to be somewhere throwing darts at their Kobe posters.

Artest was this close to signing with Cleveland and Odom was even closer to signing with Miami.

Ah well, guess we don’t have to worry about that.

Artest is headed for Hollywood, Odom won’t be getting a tax break and the only thing us non-Laker fans can do about it is just sit here with our mouths wide open praying for a miracle. 

Man-oh-man, Odom resigning isn’t only a definite threat to the league but a crushing blow to my online subscription for the NBA 2K series on Xbox.

I can see the cheaters now, putting Kobe and Artest in the backcourt, running Odom, Gasol and Bynum up front. I’m shaking my head just thinking about it.

Even with all that firepower, it still wouldn’t be enough to keep me from playing my favorite video game and I’m sure it won’t keep the hundreds of professionals in the league from playing their favorite game as well.

No way is some verbal agreement or some resigning going to keep us all from playing the video game or the sport we love.

Now winning? Well…… that’s another story.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments